Dudley Dursley and the Sorcerer's Stone
by AntoineFrancois
Summary: What if Dudley really was that poor picked on, somewhat overweight kid? and Harry is that evil cousin that picks on him, oh this is going to be fun, hehe. Ok so maybe it's really stupid, but it was fun anyways. Please R&R!
1. The boy who had an eating disorder!

Disclaimer: Don't own the stuff This story is for the not too serious light hearted people. All you *cough* obsessed *cough* people, you might not want to read if you'll be offended. I have to make fun of something right?  
  
Chapter 1: The Boy who ... had an eating disorder!  
  
Once upon a day, there was a family who lived on McDonalds Ave. and would like to be considered quite normal thank you very much. Mr. Dursley, the father of the household was quite well mannered and often loved to spoil his only child Dudley. Dudley was unlike all the rest of the kids around the block, I mean sure a little plump here and there (Fat in Laban's terms) but he was pretty well mannered, especially compared to their newest addition to the family, Harry Potter. They say that they found him on their doorstep one day, and out of the kindness in their hearts they decided to keep him. What a trouble maker he turned out to be. Always pointing at your shirt and then when you look down to see what's there he flicks you in the nose! He always seems to get me too... ooh, urgh! Nevermind, enough about the Author, hehe. Anyways, back to this devil child Harry Potter, in brief you could say he was one too many apples short of the eggnog. He was quite odd though telling the Dursleys that he preferred to camp out side because the grass smelled good under a full moon. I think it was Dudley's BO that scared him. Life had been just like this for as long as I can remember, or maybe just until Dudley was turning 12 or something, whatever age first years are (can't remember). It was the day of his birthday and Dudley could never have been more excited.  
  
"Chocolate frosting again!?!?! Mom, are you trying to slip a quick one on me again? You have to get the real stuff, not the cheap 'I can't believe it's not butter' brand. I don't wanna be a lurp." Dudley finished his sentence nearly out of breath due to his severe extra package of lard. Thinking about it a while after he started to wonder what a 'lurp' was.  
  
"Don't worry my lad!" yelled Mrs. Dursley as she took an unwrapped stick of margarine placing it right in the center of the cake. The sight could make you puke as she shoved it right in the center. What happened then is just too graphic for such stories, but I'll tell you Anyways. Everything had just suddenly gone slow-motion as Dudley started to stuff his face with this butter filled chocolate cake, the drama was horrific. Dudleys face started to look like an eclipse in the pale tunnels of Alaska, trust me, you don't wanna know. Still in slow-mo Harry was caught behind Dudley and you couldn't hear him, but you could see him yelling "NO!" with such a distressed look on his face. Still Slow-mo he ran towards the cake *Big cool Music* shaking his fist saying, "How do you like them apples!!!" The moment was broken as everyone including Harry started to look at him with this extreme puzzled look on their faces.  
  
"I'm sorry, I forgot my line." Harry backed up and went back into the backyard as Dudley resumed snarfing the giant butter cake.  
  
"Dudley, this year, we decided to only get you one birthday present." Mrs. Dursley was grinning excitedly.  
  
"What is it! What is it! What is it!" screamed Dudley like no other. Mrs. Dursley handed him the gift. He shook it vehemently before opening and when he did he found a very small item. He looked really close and when he finally realized what it was he leaped up into the air.  
  
"TISSUE PAPER! HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!!!!!  
  
"No you twit, look under the paper. Dimwit, reminds me of Sean, sigh." Harry spoke.  
  
"Aha!" Dudley looked farther only to find a feather duster. "Mom, Dad, I like the paper better, can I keep it?" Slightly hesitating his father said.  
  
"Uhh, I guess so. I mean, it is your birthday and all." Dudleys face boiled up again showing his glee. Meanwhile Harry was running around him in circles poking him in the forehead only for the excitement of seeing Dudley go cross eyed for a couple of seconds.  
  
"MOM! Harry's poking me again!" complained Dudley.  
  
"You should have seen it Aunt Petunia! I got him to go cross eyed for three seconds this time!"  
  
"Awesome, I wanna see, do it again Harry." Dudley was getting sick of the repeated poking in the forehead so he decided to let the Author know that this is the end of Chapter 1.  
  
"Hey! You can't tell me when to end my chapters!!!! I won't have any mo...  
  
*Dudley turns off the computer* 


	2. Friends for life

Chapter 2: Friends For Life  
  
It was still Dudleys birthday and you could see he was as always excited as ever. (Well, that is still ecstatic over the tissue paper) It was early in the morning where you could see Dudley jumping up and down in the kitchen.  
  
"Dudley stop that, you're going to put a hole in the floor! I'm not kidding." Aunt Petunia was furious and in one of those moods where you'd get a black eye if you tapped her on the shoulder. Yep, it's that bad.  
  
"Mom, I can't help it! I wanna go, I wanna go!!" Dudley could hardly contain himself because he was so excited to go to the zoo today.  
  
"Honey, why don't you let him keep jumping? I might just have a good excuse not to go to work tomorrow!" Uncle Vern was excited at the very thought of this.  
  
"What good excuse would it give you?"  
  
"Ah! You see not just anyone would know the deep thought I was thinking so I will tell you! It just so happens if he does put a hole in the floor I imagine he will break a leg or something, well hopefully that is. Then we will have to go to the hospital for some surgery or something!!" Uncle Vern had almost gone crazy, he started jumping up and down too.  
  
"Uncle Vern, nobody gets surgery just for a broken leg."  
  
"So what! You never know, it could happen." Truly disturbed Harry was plotting something evil in his mind, hehe.  
  
"Hey Dudley, follow me for a second."  
  
"Ok!" Harry led Dudley to one of the many outlets in the house and handed him an aluminum gum wrapper shaped in a V.  
  
"Now Dudley, you wanna lose weight right?"  
  
"Do I?"  
  
"Yeah, you do, ok now this is what I call Lose 200 pounds in 30 minutes. Alright, stick that wrapper in the socket until you feel something. If you don't feel anything it's not working. Just keep doing it for about half an hour and you'll be good as new!" Dudley being the really, really stupid chub he is put the stick into the socket repeatedly electrocuting himself. Harry found it hard not to laugh and started rolling on the floor with laughter. Uncle Vern was sort of mad now that Harry had destroyed his hopes of seeing Dudley fall through the floor.  
  
"Alright that's enough Dudley. It's time to go to the zoo." Uncle Vern said as he looked at Dudley by the outlet. Dudley turned around to look at his father and started giggling for what reason I don't know. He looked like a sausage on the Fourth of July, but just a tad bit burnt. Everyone got up and started to leave except Aunt Petunia, she was at the door opening it about half way and then closing it. She just kept doing this.  
  
"Mom, are we going to go?" She still made no reply and looked like a zombie as she repeatedly opened and closed the door. Harry even went right up to her and started waving his hand in front of her face. She still made no motion at all and kept doing what she was doing.  
  
"Well, it's official, she has gone crazy, sigh. Mission accomplished!" yelled Harry. Just when he had finally found his moment of triumph she reacted.  
  
"The door works! Just thought I'd check before we left you know. I mean what if like you were trying to leave and when you opened the door our house started to flood? You never can be too careful, good thing you guys have me around!"  
  
"Yeah... good thing..." Harry sighed again. They all started to move towards the car when Aunt Petunia went to the drivers side and started doing the same thing to the door.  
  
"Honey, I'll drive!" Uncle Vern yelled very annoyed by now.  
  
"But what about all the water! I really don't think this is safe!"  
  
"I assure you there is no water in the car that is going to flood us out here." Uncle Vern ended the conversation and started to drive everyone to the zoo.  
  
"Hey Uncle Vern, you look a little low on gas, maybe you should fill up the tank." Harry mentioned.  
  
"Oh, yeah I guess you're right. There's a gas station right there, it'll only take a second." This made Dudley quite angry because he really wanted to go to the zoo now. He looked over at the gas station and completely out of the ordinary the whole place blew up.  
  
"Man, that's the second one this week. Oh well, I think we have enough gas to get to the zoo." Said Uncle Vern just a little annoyed, but everyone just stayed calm as if nothing had happened. Reaching the zoo Dudley nearly jumped out of the car before they could even park. He made a mad dash for the entrance and burst right through the gate without paying. A few officials started after him while the others were still casually getting out of the car.  
  
"You think they'll catch him this time?" Harry spoke.  
  
"Nah, he'll just start running around in circles somewhere and they'll give up eventually." Uncle Vern replied.  
  
"That's true. Well, at least we'll know where to find him." They all knew that he would be at the snake place and so they walked there and paid their way in.  
  
"Look there he is." Pointed out Harry.  
  
"Ah, I see him. Geez, he's doing a blowfish on the glass again, Harry why don't you go pry him off." Dudley was so obsessed with the snakes he had his face pressed up against the glass and really if you were on the other side it was quite disturbing.  
  
"Dudley get off there." Harry tried pulling him off, but of course Dudley was nearly ten times stronger (or was it fatter?). Just then though the glass disappeared and Dudley would have fell forward but Harry was pulling him back at the time.  
  
The snake found his way towards Dudley and started speaking to him. "Thanks, man."  
  
"The name's Dudley." He said as he reached his hand forward to shake hands, except the snake didn't have a hand so he shook his tail.  
  
"Wow, what a friendly human. You're going to be my best friend." Said the snake.  
  
"Cool, me too!" Dudley was very happy at the moment, no one ever wanted to be his friend.  
  
"Unfortunately my best friend, I must depart and leave for Australia. I'll travel the eight leagues of the sea if I have to, but I hear they have some very tall grass down there. It's an adventure!" The snake started to leave and just before he went out of sight he turned and faced Dudley leaving a tear running down his scales. *Big dramatic music* The snake then mumbled this, "Goodbye..."  
  
"Man, what are best friends for if they just slither away! Geez, you never really can find a buddy like that anymore, sigh." Dudley gave his final statement while he turned to look at the family as they were all just staring at him, except for Harry of course, he just kept laughing.  
  
"It's not funny."  
  
"Oh, but it is!"  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
"Is not." Ok! That's enough, the author says stop. Believe me, no one ever wins these arguments, they go on forever. Hey, this isn't an Author note, I just feel like interrupting Dudley, hehe. Yeah, so what if it's stupid, it's supposed to be! "Dudley no stop!!" Dudley runs towards the power button on the computer yet again. I was prepared though! I almost stopped him, but he was just too heav... *clink* 


End file.
